The moment you didn’t realize it would be the last time…


How many moments in your life do you recognize as the last time you will get to do something? We all seem to assume we will get to do it again. Yet I realize, especially with my kids, that really, every day is the last time. Each day I watch them change and grow, see them become new every morning.

They are the moments when your kids used to need you, that until they don’t one day, you don’t realize, that last time they asked you- would be the last, until afterwards.  These moments are all poignant and beautiful, but so many, we miss.

We notice these most when someone dies, yes dies. I abhors the phrase “passed away,” we ignore death and avoid the topic so much it makes me angry. When someone dies we are forced to see these last moments all at once, because they are over. My goal is to take these moments as they come, recognize as many as I can, and celebrate them. I believe this is why I have fewer regrets than most people I know.

I encourage you to look at today with fresh eyes and recognize, in your own way, what will never pass your way again. Simply take the time to see it and recognize it for what it is.

P.S. My dog is sleeping by the fire…

Miscarriage, The Ugly Secret We Keep

Yesterday I learned a good friend had a miscarriage, she was 6 months along.

She had intended to surprise me with the news at a Thanksgiving party last week, but it turned out to be on the day she went to the doctor to learn there was no longer a heartbeat.

baby feet image, angel

Thanks to Heather for sharing this image.

When we spoke I told her I had gone through the same thing, though at 3 1/2 months along.

What hit me was the feeling she of shame she shared, that she had not told me she was pregnant, but she very much needed my support in her grief. The word “selfish” was what came up. How is it selfish to need help when you are grieving?

How is it this loss is something we expect people to not talk about, not mention, not share! This pain, so unique and so acute, and so unmentionable. It is as if you made some ugly mistake and shouldn’t talk about it.

When you have a miscarriage people say stupid, horrible things like “It’s better this way,” “You can always have another one,” and “It was meant to be.” I say bullshit! These are words only people who have never faced this could say! How can you tell a woman whose heart is broken, who chose to share this loss with you at all- that it was meant to be!

Because I have lived this too I was able to ask my friend if she got to hold the baby when it was delivered? If they took pictures (YES I said it took pictures of her baby, who was dead), and if they had a service.

If you have felt this loss, you will understand the acute pain that comes with never holding the baby that lived inside you, never seeing it, having no photos. My one regret is I didn’t get a copy of the ultrasound image of my baby before it was gone.

We went through four miscarriages and have two beautiful sons. When we were finally blessed with our second son (order went like this, one miscarriage, one live birth, three miscarriages, one live birth) I looked at my husband and my best girlfriend and said “I have a baby!” The people in the delivery room, I am sure, thought I was a bit dim, but by then, had been pregnant four times, and only once, had been able to keep and hold my baby.

So for all of you out there who have had a miscarriage, no matter how far along you were, share it. There will be a day and a person in your world who is SO thankful you get it- and maybe we can end the shame and stigma that come with this ugly secret we keep.

Tough Mudder weeks 7&8 I got a PR in the SNOW!

Ok, the last two weeks have been putting my dedication to the test. Crazy schedules, changes, WET, COLD weather and the like!

Beauty and the Cold….we ran and ran…
Off of by Marcus74

March 12-18- Good week, got my set in on Monday, Ran on Wednesday 4+ miles, Roller Skated for 2 hours on Friday- yes you read it right- and it was a blast- made me miss competing! Followed Saturday with a PR on the 5K St Patrick’s Day run in Snoqualmie! On this run I was cold, my feet were numb for half the run, and my Ipod shut off because it got too cold- and I STILL got a PR of 27:43- Totally awesome! I was also SO proud of my eldest son for doing this run despite the snow and cold- he worked SO hard and it paid off.

Last wee- from the 19th-25th-

Did on set on Monday, Ran 4 miles and did a set on Wednesday, worked in my yard for 2 hours on Thursday and had a ROCKIN run on Sunday 6.5 miles strong and almost ran my entire hill without stopping- trust me if you saw the hill I was talking about you would be impressed!

Loving the payoff of eight weeks of steady running- spending the next two weeks doing Paleo, some fasting, and the Litvinov workout with a kettle bell- so if you see me swinging a kettle bell and then running away from it- don’t worry I will be back- again- and again -and again- so cheer me on!

F*#K the Goody Bag!

OK, if you know me, swearing is not off limits- I just read this article and it got me going.

Obviously the people at the Seattle Times didn’t READ the article they put the photo with- the photo of a store in New York (ugh) called Doodle Doos- DEDICATED to children’s birthday party favors. Now why was this photo wrong for the article? The article is talking about how the trend of children’s goody bags have gotten out of hand! And you feature a STORE for goody bags! UGH!!!!

Since when are kids goody bags supposed to rival what adults get at conventions... cute bag though- image from them

This trend has bugged me since my eldest started going to parties  and the bags keep getting bigger. When he was young I decided if I was going to do this whole “send them home with something” routine I would make is special, and not something expensive or cheesy! For one of my son’s parties I sewed Harry Potter hats for everyone (total cost about $20 and 2 hours) another one I made capes for everyone (also total cost about $20 and 2 hours). These were fun gifts the kids used at the party and then got to take home to play with for a long time and wouldn’t end up in the garbage.

I love to have birthday parties at my home, it gives me a chance to meet the kids I hear about outside of the highly structured “playdate.” It is amazing to me how we have made everything need a goody bag, prize, award or something else. What ever happened to thank you for coming?

OK, rant done, glad I don’t live where a goody-bag store can actually stay in business! Or do I……

My Tough Mudder Week 6 More Struggle!

So last week was another crazy week- great on lots of fronts but my hubby was away so managing the house solo is always different and it showed up in my workouts.

Last week I..

Monday- Did a great session from Belton and got a killer workout

Tuesday- Nada!

Wednesday went to the gym, ran 3 miles and then did half of a Belton set!

Thursday- Nada!

Friday- Again- Nada!

Saturday- you guessed it Nada!

Sunday- Had my BEST 5 3/4 mile run yet! The last six weeks of building up my base in running has really started to pay off! On Saturday I am running a 5K and I am shooting for PR of under 30 minutes – if you just laughed at how slow I am – stop reading!

Anyway, I am excited, my older son is running the 5k too, my younger is doing the 1k and my amazing hubby is supporting our youngest- AWESOME- and when we are done we will get food!

Sibling Insanity

My Bro by Parnassus Books in Ketchikan

So Sibling Insanity is what I thought about today at the pool. I took my boys to the pool and there were two other boys there, about the same age difference as mine. The striking difference was the older brother wanted nothing more than to fill my ears with how lousy his little brother was. One of the things I have always stressed with my boys is their relationship is something they choose to build or destroy. They can make it amazing or miserable and it is their CHOICE. I am so proud of them and how good they are to one another. It is amazing to me how few parents remind their kids that when the parents are gone the siblings are what is left. If you don’t take time to build the relationships there won’t be much to stand on.

Watching them and thinking about this got me thinking about my brother. My brother and I are closer in age than my boys and we went through a lot together. While we still occasionally drive one another crazy he is one person I trust completely and am thankful for every day. He was always right there beside me through many travel adventures and some scary ones too. His steadfastness and loyalty have always made me proud. Whether it was riding a ferry in Alaska through a storm where most of the adults were puking and the postcard racks just kept crashing over to navigating the challenges of college to being the one brave enough to pray for and be thankful for mercy sitting at our dying mother’s bedside I got lucky with my brother, he is truly amazing and a blessing to this world. Thank you for it all.

Loving “Why French Parents Are Superior” in WSJ from 2/4/2012!!!!!

Here is the link to the article-

So here goes- I have long been in awe of how many American parents lives change at the whims of their children. I feel I live in an area where children’s needs are always thought of first. Few couples I know put a date night on a higher priority list than shuttling their kids to yet another sporting event.

On to the article- I love the French Lessons part of this article where they mention the AMAZING (yes read sarcasm here) concept of manners. When she talks about the “Big Eyes” – I remember my Mom had those- she could stop me in my tracks with those eyes. Now when they mention only one snack a day, I am guilty of violating this one but I believe we should eat more often to support stable blood sugar levels.

If you read any part of this article- skip to the end where her French friend gives her a lesson in how to say No  and mean it! I would love to have Frederique by my side on many days reminding me how to make sure my “No” is coming as the author says, “brimming with conviction”! Love it!