Fighting Gremlins

Gremlins, voices, FOO, or my favorite “the itty-bitty-s*itty-committee”….thinking-clipart-KingzdE5T

The challenge lies in being able to tune in to that channel in your head and learn how to turn down the volume.

Being brave enough to listen to the filters that are blocking the kind words.

The distortion mechanism tearing words of love and making them into old voices.

Voices of ridicule and guilt.

Ones bent on tearing you down, tearing you apart, even better.

Drilling in, letting your inner faith drain away as it laughs because you let it, again.

The stories we tell ourselves.

We move through our worlds and all the while, tell ourselves our story. Have you ever had a moment where one of your stories changed?


The other day one of my stories changed. It was a story, that I got to unpack it with the other person who had lived it. The events had held resentment and pain. Once unpacked, in safety, in the light of day so to speak, the pain seemed to simply dissipate, like fog in the sun. I feel so profoundly healed to have heard things I knew confirmed, and things I had wrong, cleared up.

I realize we all go through this life doing our best and when things happen we just keep going, adding to our story. Have you ever thought of your story and how it intertwines with all those around you?

My conversation today with an old friend, who unraveled some of a shared story with me today was amazing and healing on so many levels. Calling that person you know, who you care about but may have hurt, takes guts. Finding laughter and healing on the other end of a tough conversation is truly beautiful and such a gift.

Miscarriage, The Ugly Secret We Keep

Yesterday I learned a good friend had a miscarriage, she was 6 months along.

She had intended to surprise me with the news at a Thanksgiving party last week, but it turned out to be on the day she went to the doctor to learn there was no longer a heartbeat.

baby feet image, angel

Thanks to Heather for sharing this image.

When we spoke I told her I had gone through the same thing, though at 3 1/2 months along.

What hit me was the feeling she of shame she shared, that she had not told me she was pregnant, but she very much needed my support in her grief. The word “selfish” was what came up. How is it selfish to need help when you are grieving?

How is it this loss is something we expect people to not talk about, not mention, not share! This pain, so unique and so acute, and so unmentionable. It is as if you made some ugly mistake and shouldn’t talk about it.

When you have a miscarriage people say stupid, horrible things like “It’s better this way,” “You can always have another one,” and “It was meant to be.” I say bullshit! These are words only people who have never faced this could say! How can you tell a woman whose heart is broken, who chose to share this loss with you at all- that it was meant to be!

Because I have lived this too I was able to ask my friend if she got to hold the baby when it was delivered? If they took pictures (YES I said it took pictures of her baby, who was dead), and if they had a service.

If you have felt this loss, you will understand the acute pain that comes with never holding the baby that lived inside you, never seeing it, having no photos. My one regret is I didn’t get a copy of the ultrasound image of my baby before it was gone.

We went through four miscarriages and have two beautiful sons. When we were finally blessed with our second son (order went like this, one miscarriage, one live birth, three miscarriages, one live birth) I looked at my husband and my best girlfriend and said “I have a baby!” The people in the delivery room, I am sure, thought I was a bit dim, but by then, had been pregnant four times, and only once, had been able to keep and hold my baby.

So for all of you out there who have had a miscarriage, no matter how far along you were, share it. There will be a day and a person in your world who is SO thankful you get it- and maybe we can end the shame and stigma that come with this ugly secret we keep.

Pecking order of addictions

I come from a family with a history of alcoholism, I have been blessed with a high metabolism and love exercising- it is my vice- what I turn to when I need to work through something. I have always found hard work very cleansing and healing.

When I read this article this weekend it resonated with me- especially these two quotes:

“And there’s your pecking order of unhappiness, in a nutshell. Of all the overwhelming compulsions you can be ruined by, all of them have some potential for some perfected, self-destructive fascination except eating.”


“Perhaps it’s time for women to finally stop being secretive about their vices and instead start treating them like all other addicts treat their habits.”

America’s obsession with thin has always troubled and fascinated me. The effort to stay thin seems, on many levels, equal to the effort required to get fat. Anyone who has been overweight will tell you it didn’t happen overnight- and so will anyone who is fit will tell you- it didn’t happen overnight.

So why is it we still love shows like the Biggest Loser- like it is somehow a ticket to fame to get large enough to make it on a TV show to lose weight?

Frustrated that our world is so full of busy and full of food which is bad for us- we can hardly – as a good friend of mine said last week “Live like you give a damn!”

Think I will be taking this motto to heart this summer and remembering it when I look at the Cheezits!!Jack_and_Sinking_Jolly_Mon_COTBP.jpg&w=1017&h=431&ei=tsl7T-aOFMmUiQKx9_hi&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=419&sig=112215829806165423212&page=1&tbnh=81&tbnw=192&start=0&ndsp=16&ved=1t:429,r:14,s:0&tx=108&ty=41

Dancing with the Devil!Jack_and_Sinking_Jolly_Mon_COTBP.jpg&w=1017&h=431&ei=tsl7T-aOFMmUiQKx9_hi&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=419&sig=112215829806165423212&page=1&tbnh=81&tbnw=192&start=0&ndsp=16&ved=1t:429,r:14,s:0&tx=108&ty=41

Seeking this kind of grace in ditching my leaky ship

There are moments in life when you realize you just danced with the devil. Now don’t worry I haven’t been doing anything truly scary. This is the kind of stuff we look at every day and often fail to see as that dance… Losing our temper, laying down a guilt trip, struggling to re-write a deeply ingrained script.

You know those scripts, the ones which were laid down for you, time and time again by someone you love, trying to teach you….something. Whatever it was and whatever that voice in your head says or what comes out of your mouth on occasion- this is what I call dancing with the devil. You see he is sneaky, he breaks things, a crack at a time. Rarely does he show up in such a way that we can see for what he is.

When we do recognize it, it’s usually on the news or is in the form of the person who sets off every alarm bell in your head, every hair on your neck and every flag your senses can throw at you to get away…. But those times are fleeting and it is that every day dance I fight with most.

Working on rewriting some OLD scripts, and it is hard. Trying to see the pattern before it comes out of my mouth…sigh.

And so, my quote for today comes from Warren Buffet- “In a chronically leaking boat, energy devoted to changing vessels is more productive than energy devoted to patching leaks.”

Working on ditching my leaky boat!

SLACKER~ Almost! My Tough Mudder Week 5

So this week I was almost a total slacker! Why? Well my Sunday run last weekend with my sister-in-law in the SNOW in Birch Bay with the beginning of a cold slowed me down. I chose to take a few days off and see if my body sorted its way through the head cold- thankfully it did. With a little Arbonne Get Well Soon, sleep and good food I finally felt better by Friday- but didn’t get back to running until Saturday.

So my training for this week was pretty simple-

Strong 5-mile run on Saturday

Solid 3.6 mile run cut short by the headache induced by the guy who got on the machine next to me RIGHT after he put on his cologne! I made up for the early cut off by playing with my kids for the next hour in the pool!

Another great week, excited for more training and laughing with my kids along the way. St. Patrick’s Day Dash in Snoqualmie here I come!

Today I ran in my underwear…

So, today I ran in my underwear. It was Cupid’s Undie Run in Seattle’s Fremont neighborhood- one of the few which would not have protests regarding a bunch of people running around in their underwear! It was hilarous and so much fun!

Running in your underwear, cold, humbling and hilarious

What I learned today:

1    Fashion Tape can make any decent underwire bra work as a decent jog bra for a SHORT run.

2     Underwear runs are much more popular with 20-year-olds interested in drinking BEFORE they run

(not that this was a surprise mind you- just fun to watch)

3     I was not too old to run fast, not so worried about my self image to care if I looked perfect in my silly outfit, and knew enough to come with friends!

4     Regular nylon stockings keep you pretty warm and might be a good idea for a longer, cold run I want to wear shorts, but am concerned about being cold!

5     It felt good to go run for a cause and have a good laugh while we were at it!

And finally, this was training of a different sort, you see I know there will be moments in the Tough Mudder where I will feel VERY humble, this was an excellent training exercise in humility!